Wednesday, November 29, 2006

In case you missed it...

  • To help out it's star Dwyane Wade and his struggling Heat, NBA commissioner David Stern has announced "No Fly Zone" rules that apply to top stars. Now entering a five-foot zone around a star player will result in a foul being called. The NBA plans to debut the new rules tomorrow when the Pistons play the Heat. In fact, the NBA has already issued fouls they expect to happen during the duration of the game. Wade will shoot the free throws before the opening tip; all missed shots will not count provided Wade yells "DO OVER!" before the ball hits the rim. The Heat will also start the game in the bonus. Nazr Mohammed will not be making the trip, as he fouled out packing his suitcase.
  • Hoping to break the Curse of the Billy Goat, Alfonso Soriano was signed to a mind-blowing 8 year $136 Million contract by the Chicago Cubs. When asked why spend so much for one player on a team that has many needs, GM Jim Hendry said he had petitioned the National League to allow the use of ghost runners and that Soriano, Aramis Ramirez, and Derrick Lee will be the only three batters new coach Lou Pinella will be allowed to send to the plate. When this was denied, Hendry was seen asking for the phone numbers of Ernie Banks and Ryne Sandberg. Also to save the arms of the Cubs pitchers, opposing hitters will be swinging at a ball on a tee. Hendry argued that this would be no different then Cub pitching in the first place, NL officials agreed.
  • Newly anointed football golden boy Tony Romo has recently shot down rumors that he and Jessica Simpson were an item. In related news, Matt Millen has been quoted on the record as not being able to tell the difference between Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears, and was ready to announce that he was on the cusp of trading Mike Williams and a first round pick for Romo, until Lions executive VP Tom Lewand stepped in and informed Matt that he actually was negotiating a deal for Steve Bono.
  • Michigan State hired a new football coach earlier this week. There was an awkward period of a few minutes when the MSU Board of Regents realized they had offered the job to Phoenix Suns coach Mike D'Antoni, before finally hiring Mark Dantonio from the University of Cincinnati. MSU, in hopes of a wining season next year has scheduled games solely against Rutgers and Eastern Kentucky.
  • Florida coach Urban Meyer has openly criticized the BCS system, for allowing Michigan to remain ranked #2 after a 3-point loss at #1 Ohio State. When reached for comment Michigan coach Lloyd Carr grumbled inaudibly for five minutes and left the room to go smoke. A representative from 12-0 #8 Boise State was quoted as saying "Urban Meyer can suck my blue turf covered ass".

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